


I Feel Pretty

by APHTrashbin (verfens)



Series: Virago [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi, Nyotalia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2014-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-17 19:18:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2320484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verfens/pseuds/APHTrashbin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"To be beautiful means to be yourself.  You don't need to be accepted by others.  You need to accept yourself."<br/>-Thich Nhat Hanh.  Julia Beilschmidt's life is sordid, but she finds it within herself to be beautiful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Feel Pretty

_"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself."_

**\- Thich Nhat Hanh**

XXXXX

Ever since she could remember, she had always been told that she had to act like a man. The reasons why were drilled in her head like a mantra.

Men were stronger.

Men were better.

Men were the standard.

Women like herself had to be like them if they were to be anything in life.

Julchen was a wild and headstrong girl. Her hair was white, and short, shorter than some of her male companions. Her eyes were hard, filled with her fire to be something in the world. Dual colored, blue on top, and red on bottom. Her cloak was white, like her skin, smooth and freckled all over, except for her face, face clear like creamy milk.

Save for one scar on her cheek from her mother.

Her official name was Teutonic Knights. But though she took on the name Julia, her boss told her she was Julchen.

She was told all the time by the nuns that it was a shame she was a knight. She was a beautiful girl.

She was told all the time by the knights that it was glorious to serve God with her whole being. She was good with the sword.

She had been alone most of her young life. It was punctuated by battles, back when she was still Teuton. But now she had Daniel. Or Hungary, as he called himself. More than him, she had Austria and Switzerland. Annalise, unlike her, had embraced her femininity. Heidi was a bit harder to get to know, but was close to Annalise.

Julchen didn't know if they knew she was a girl, but she didn't mind. Better that they assumed she was a man.

Rome's children were girls.

So were the other youth the powerful woman had protected.

Then there were the Eastern nations. Barbarians. But they too were girls.

It seemed that even though they, the representations of the world of man, were women, women were still the inferior.

Julchen didn't understand.

She watched with longing at a nobles daughter, dressed in finery. She wanted so badly to be like that. Allowed to express how she felt on the inside. She was a woman through and through. She wanted to show the world how pretty she was. Show Eli how she could be girly too.

But those feelings were to be suppressed. She was to defend her name, be a mighty power. And the way they said she could do that was to be a man.

She sighed again, in deep despair at her current situation, before she turned her attention back to her lessons in sword fighting.

XXXXX

When she was a teenager, she couldn't hide it any longer. Her womanhood came with shame instead of pride.

Daniel looked at her oddly as she came upon him at a conference of nations. He gave her a sideways look. "Julch?" He tilted his head, and she pursed her lips, biting one of them, before speaking.

Her voice was high and lilted. "Ja?" She blushed horribly. Her priests outfit was meant to hide her womanly figure, but as she put a hand on her hip while she jutted it out, it revealed her narrow waistline and wider hips. Her slightly hourglass shape gave her away for good.

"Y-You're..." He seemed unable to come up with the word for it.

"Ja?!" She said in a higher pitch, embarrassed and showing it clearly. Another sign of weakness.

"A woman." He said, confused. "You never told me. I always assumed you were a man. Your hair's so short." Something seemed to come to him. "You were even a knight!" He exclaimed after the pause.

"And why's that strange?" She glared at him, hands on her hips as she leaned forward, to get in his face. "It's a man's world. I want to be a part of that. And  _that_ means abandoning the fairer sex."

Annalise was dressed in finery. She gaped at Julchen's fair features, since as she grew into them, it was hard to deny the facts. She was too womanly. Too fair.

The other nations of Europe were completely blindsided by this revelation. France was aghast at what she had done to her hair. Spain frowned at her wearing trousers. Russia disapproved of her commanding tone.

Like always, she was the outsider.

Too womanly to fit in to the mans world, too manly to fit in with her own kind, dominated by women.

She longed to be like her kind. Dress in pretty things, wear the perfumes and makeup and finery. But she couldn't. She had to listen to her bosses wishes about her life.

Julchen left in a hurry, tears in her eyes.

Why couldn't she feel pretty any longer?

XXXXX

By the time she had grown into her features, she had given up on fitting in, on feeling pretty. She had accepted her uphill battle to being accepted.

The year was 1701. It was the year she became a nation.

As she presented herself to her new boss, she smiled, shaking his hand instead of curtsying.

"I cannot believe my nation is a woman." He said, indignant.

"To be perfectly honest, sir, most of us are." She said, scoffing. "All the great nations of Europe? Women."

She was slapped. "You do not speak to a man like that."

"If you would let me explain." She held her hand up the next time he went to slap her, calling upon some ancient magic to force him to obey her. "That alone should prove I'm your nation." She said, powerful. "You  _will_   **not**  slap me. I am older than any man on earth, and much of my own kind. I will  _not_ be hit by a mere human, who lives in but the blink of the eye of a nation!" She sat down, releasing him as she folded her hands in her lap. "Now." She gestured him to sit down. "We talk."

XXXXX

Her relationship with the man who declared her a true nation didn't improve in the weeks that followed.

Prussia was walking through the forest, hunting in Eastern Europe. She heard a grunt, and thought it sounded a lot like...

She went over to where she was hearing it come from, and came upon a clearing.

It was him. She laughed her ugly laugh, snorting loudly. "Hungary!" She said, eyes brightening. "It's been awhile! What the fuck happened to you?"

Hungary looked up, eyes dulled, and she immediately was quieted. He grunted again.

"Are you alright?" She asked, worried about her old crush.

"No. I just got my ass handed to me." He smiled slightly. As he straightened, she caught a glimpse of his...

Glorious chest.

Oh Lord and Savior, that was a heavenly sight. She blushed furiously, face beet red.

"Well, I was declared a nation!" She said, trying to brush it off. "I'm officially Kingdom of Prussia. Prussia for short."

"Weren't you Prussia before now?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

"Ja, but.." She lost some of her steam. "It's my  _real_ name now.  _And_ I'm a nation again."

He grunted loudly, his head falling as he lost his grip on his sword. Her eyes widened in worry.

"Man, you really got fucked up." She said, gruffly.

"Yeah..." He agreed, obviously in pain. He was bleeding pretty badly... but the only bandages she had were...

Well. There was a time and place for everything. Losing those last traces of her previous self might do her some good.

Julchen turned, rustling around in her oversized clothes, while he stared at her, silently questioning what she was doing.

She turned around, breasts pale and small, but well shaped. Her nipples were perked in the cold breeze.

Hungary's mouth went agape, while she tossed him the bandages. "Here." She muttered, blushing even more as she covered herself again. "That should be plenty of...bandages." Her voice wavered loudly.

Prussia ran off, covering her breasts with her hands over her cloak.

In his eyes, Julchen had seen it.

Lust.

She had to admit, it felt...kind of good. Well, truly it should be creepy, but it was nice to know she, demon-like in appearance, was desirable.

XXXXX

As she grew in power, Julchen grew more confident in herself. She was starting to grow out her hair. She had exchanged trousers for a skirt. Still, dresses were out of the question. Too bulky, too unwieldy.

She was a warring nation.

No time to be pretty.

Other nations approved of this change, slight as it was.

She made friends in what had once been unquestionable acquaintances, if not outright enemies.

France played with her mid-length hair, barely reaching her shoulders. "You know, darling, it will be absolutely  _beautiful_ once it's long enough to put up." She smiled kindly at her.

"So you were  _never_ allowed to display your femininity?" Spain asked, and Prussia shook her head.

"My boss always told me to pretend I was a boy. But Fritz is a lot better than any of them! He's an Enlightened leader, to be sure." She sighed, relieved to get some of this off her chest.

"That must have been horrible!" France exclaimed. "We were always told to put our bosses in their place! But your...well. Your mother didn't understand, mon ami."

"I know. Albinism at  _that_  time definitely put me in an interesting place." Julchen looked at her face in the mirror.

"But we understand now, amiga." Spain smiled brightly. "Although, during medieval times, you would have been sought after like Helena of Troy had you been allowed to be a woman!"

Julchen laughed. "Me?" She snorted. "Never. I'm too manly." She flexed her very well toned muscles. "And I'd tell them to get lost." She boasted.

But that really wasn't how she felt at all. She said that, but really?

Like...Helena? Was she that attractive?

"Hola, amiga, you still in there?" Spain was joking, and Julchen came to attention.

France had finished french braiding her hair. She now had a very pretty ring made of a braid around her head. She smiled softy as she looked upon herself in the mirror.

"Like what you see?" Francine blew her a kiss. "You're so cute." The woman winked, and she blushed heavily, pursing her lips.

"Now for make up!" Spain said excitedly, and the two friends giggled at the surprised look of their new friend.

"What?! I didn't sign up for that!" She exclaimed, but Spain and France only shared knowing looks as she tried to get away. "Shit." She muttered, giving in as they moved closer to her.

XXXXX

Fighting against her old friend was a pleasure. She was kicking Annalise's prissy ass, in a fight that felt like to the death.

This was the war of Austrian Succession.

That was when he came.

They both looked to their right, and there he was.

Hungary.

Julchen looked surprised, Annalise, relieved.

Hungary attacked the Prussian army with fervor, kicking the albino's worn armies ass.

She was kicked out, but got to keep some of the territory she had won.

Later, she cried softly into her pillow, unable to believe it...

Daniel...Hungary had fought for Austria. She had seen him make his choice. And he chose a "proper" woman.

Spain had been married to Austria. She told Julchen that it had been horrible being married to such a wench.

So why did he chose her? "Why?" She cried, looking down at her mannish hands.

No wonder, she thought with self-loathing.

Prussia remembered his confusion, his outrage at his discovery she was a woman.

She was a tomboy, she tried to tell herself. She didn't need the opinion of a man to validate her. She was close enough to a man. But, she longed for Hungary to look at her the way he looked at Austria- With love, more than lust. She wished for him to tell her she was pretty, childish though it was.

If she was honest with herself, she wanted nothing more to be able to play dress up with France and Spain once again.

But time for that had passed.

Revolution was in the air.

XXXXX

"Thanks again for helping me!" Two nations were walking along a battlefield, victorious against England- one youthful, the other battered by time.

"It's no problem!" Julchen laughed. "America, I look forward to you being something big in the world!"

America, a bright young thing who had eyes bigger than her stomach, had taken on the colossal challenge of beating England in a battle for freedom.

One day, Prussia walked in on America binding her chest. She snorted, but on the inside, saw herself in young Emily.

"What are you doing? You have nothing to hide!" Emily blushed furiously.

"W-What do you know?" Emily yelled at her, embarrassed.

"I actually know quite a lot. Besides, binding like that can break your ribs and worse. It's really impractical, actually." Julchen sat on a cot, gesturing Emily to sit next to her.

"How do you know that?" America asked softly, looking down at the bindings in her hands.

"Because I bound myself for hundreds of years." She admitted. "My boss wanted me to be a man so badly he made me pretend I was."

America's eyes went wide.

"What? But you're so...Beautiful..." America said, dumbstruck.

Julchen laughed her ugly laugh. "Hardly." She waved a hand. The cot creaked beneath them.

"To be honest, most of Europe doesn't like me. I'm not a man, but in their eyes, I'm no woman either. I don't really fit in well."

Emily huffed. "You're a wonderful woman, Julia!" The Prussian looked over to her, eyes softening. The small wrinkles around them crinkled as she smiled widely.

"You stinker. I told you to call me Julchen."

"But you said you were Julia!" Emily said playfully. "A pretty name for a pretty woman."

"Ja, but...no one calls me that." Julchen's frame drooped. "I'm always Julchen."

"I'll always call you Julia, then!" The 12 year old grinned brightly. "Promise! You don't have to hide yourself any longer!"

"Then you don't either, missy." Prussia took the bindings, throwing them away from America, and took the teenager out for drinks.

The chains that bound her were gone now. She didn't want anyone else to experience them, ever again.

XXXXX

When her little sister, Holy Rome, died, it came as both as a relief and as a tragedy. That little girl suffered so long. She too was made to be a man.

She would have understood Prussia, understood Julia's pain.

Julchen had never known Holy Rome as well as she should have. Her sisters had never let her too close.

Demon.

Queer.

She was ashamed that she looked the way she did.

She was ashamed she was a woman.

She was present when it occurred, as was Annalise.

Both were crying out for France to stop as the revolution-crazed woman carried out the deed under order of her boss, Napoleon.

Julchen's sword was taken by France, and the woman scoffed at Prussia, making her feel like dirt.

"You're not even a real woman. You're nothing but a demon. There is no place for you in this world."

Tears soaked a pale face as the demon curled up on the floor, battered and bloody.

France raised her sword.

Julchen screamed when it happened.

Right through the heart.

And she died.

But she couldn't.

Francine twisted the sword as she removed it.

France had laid her low, left her soaking in a pool of her own blood, before Julchen started coughing it up.

Austria looked at her in horror, before violet eyes turned to France, watching her murderously.

France left them both, leaving their territory victorious.

Only England, headstrong and not officially part of Europe was left to fight her.

And fight her she would, Prussia was sure.

Austria took her hand delicately, shaking her head as the woman stood with determination, the hole in her chest gaping. It represented everything she had lost in life.

"Let's go." Prussia's voice was deadened. She let down her hair, and the wild white hair was unkempt, but she convinced herself she didn't care.

It was raining, and her hair was quickly soaked. She ripped her skirt open, it was too long. She had to trade it out for pants again. Much more useful, if she thought of it.

"Prussia..." Austria said, sympathetically. "It's alright...I'm sure...Holy Rome will wake up..."

"Shut up." Julchen tore her hand out of Annalise's, fire in her eyes. "Shut up! I never got the chance to even know her! And you played a part of that! The only sister who didn't despise me!" Her voice cracked loudly, and she fell to her knees as she sobbed. "And she's not going to wake up. She would have already. She was too frail. Always too frail. Too small. Too young." She screamed into the sky. "I never knew her. Never got to say hello, and now, will never be able to say goodbye."

Austria stared at her. She got down on her knees, muddying her dress. "I'm sorry, Julchen." She apologized, something she never did. "I'm sorry."

"She was my friend, and she killed Holy Rome!" Prussia screamed. "She was my  _friend_!"

"And we'll make her pay." Austria swore, making Prussia stand up. "We'll make her pay. I promise, Julch." She smiled, using her old nickname for her long time enemy, and old friend. "We'll make her pay."

On that day, coated in her blood and the blood of countless others, was the day she was least beautiful.

This was her at her worst, at her ugliest.

But she vowed she'd make France pay for this.

XXXXX

And pay France did. At the Congress of Vienna, England, Russia, Austria, and Prussia made her pay for her sins. Prussia turned her head away from her sad once friend. No more kindness between them. Only resentment and remorse.

The days where France could do Prussia's hair and make up were gone.

Now she had to learn to do it herself. It was the 19th century, after all. Times were changing fast.

She snuck into her estate one day unnoticed. Well, Austria's house, that was. She owned no gowns of her own, and had to wear something to the ball of nations that was coming up. She had no idea what her size was, what she would need. And she was certainly not asking her male boss to take her dress shopping. She scoffed at the thought.

When she got to her bedroom, she gaped at how...plain it was.

For all Annalise dressed in pretty clothes, she didn't spend lavish amounts on her room.

She was after all, a frugal woman.

But she did have a very fine wardrobe.

Julchen allowed herself to picture herself in one of them. She had white hair now, she'd be able to do a handsome up-do, or perhaps, put it into a wig. She'd wear ivory and pearls, or perhaps would put some color onto her pale figure. She had never been able to play around with jewelry, and with the female Holhenzollern's, had never acted interested in it.

But oh she was. How she was very interested in it.

She opened up the wardrobe, and gasped when she saw the complexity of the female dress. There was underlayers, overlayers, and gowns galore.

Problem was, she had no idea how to put anything on. She had never been able to get the courage to ask how to wear a corset.

...It couldn't be that much different from binding, could it?

But of course it was.

Naturally, when she heard the front door open, she was crying tears of frustration, petticoats and gowns and hoops everywhere, trying to make the corset fit on her.

But her boobs were too small to fit. Austria simply had a bigger rack than she did. She snuck out the window, Annalise's neat and tidy wardrobe now a complete mess.

XXXXX

As the days to the ball grew closer, she found herself running out of options. She constructed battle plans with Bismarck, one of her two bosses, but also really wanted to make a statement at the upcoming ball. It was only a few months away now. The battle between her and Austria was to be right before it, and she was to be victorious, and then announce her presence with authority at the Conference of Europe.

Gone were the days of cooperation. Now it was seeing who would take control of the German states. Austria had been knocked off her high horse in Central Europe.

And Prussia stole the crown in the form of winning the Austria-Prussian war.

She was visiting Holy Rome's memorial one day, only weeks now before the ball, the nations memorial a garden of flowers in a forest clearing, when she saw her.

Dressed in a soft white gown, wandering around the flowers, playing with a small rabbit, was a baby nation. Prussia didn't move, so as not to startle her.

She had beautiful blonde hair, like Holy Rome had. Julchen just knew she was a girl.

This was Germany.

"Germany..." The woman whispered, making the nation turn to her. Blank blue eyes stared back. She laughed weakly. "I did it. I made a nation. Or, I will." She corrected with another lighthearted laugh.

Germany only nodded, acknowledging her name. She didn't speak. She was obviously brand new. She couldn't do anything on her own yet.

"I'll call you...Monika." She picked the child up, something bright filling her heart- Filling the gap that France had stabbed in her. Germany grabbed onto her with small, delicate hands.

She would make Germany stronger than Holy Rome. That she promised the tiny nation who was currently falling asleep in her arms. Julchen kissed the small girl.

"I'll take care of you, I promise."

XXXXX

And she gave Germany everything that Julchen never had as a girl. She would be allowed to express herself however she wanted, Julchen was positive of that.

Julchen dressed her up in all the pretty dresses that she could get her hands on. Bismarck was confused by Prussia's sudden change in behavior, but accepted it.

Louise, the Princess of Prussia and Grand Duchess of Baden, found little Monika to be the most adorable thing in the world- despite her and her husbands quarrel with Bismarck.

This was Prussia's chance to break the ice with Louise.

"Hey..." She mumbled, embarrassed to ask. "I was wondering. I don't particularly want to go to the ball wearing my war outfit, as Bismarck so insists..." And Louise had a sly smile slowly growing on her face.

"Oh?" She asked, curious.

"So I was thinking." Her voice, normally commanding and powerful, was getting smaller and smaller as she spoke. "That... you could help me..."

"That I could help my nation with what?" She had Louise's full attention now, for sure. Prussia was meek, and this was extremely unusual for her.

"With..." She was barely at a whisper now. "With finding a dress!" She spat the end out, blushing horribly.

Louise laughed lightly. "Of course I'll help you!" She said, delighted. "I wondered when you were going to show any interest in me!"

Julchen gave her a helpless stare, and Louise, princess of her country, took her hand.

"Let's go make you a dress!"

She took Prussia to a tailor, where the woman was measured, and was embarrassed when she heard her meager measurements. She would have things custom made for her, since her frame was so small, her body muscular, and her chest not much to brag about.

Louise took her to her estate, in Baden, and taught her the etiquette of dresses, which Prussia had no knowledge of. She insisted on Julchen asking her father for jewelry, and to pay for this excursion. She told her exactly what to say to get Louise's father to do it- tell him that it was a matter of pleasing Louise, his favorite child.

He gave in quite quickly, and Prussia soon had a beautiful blue and white dress. It was silk and taffeta, and as she had one of the maids of the house of Holhenzollern dress her in it, she felt so pretty.

Julchen had her hair put up in a pretty up-do, and though it was odd, she felt as though she finally fit in.

She finally could go and present herself as a woman.

The albino looked at herself in the mirror, and smiled brightly. Little Monika was staring at her while the maid dressed her as well. She would be in a sweet light blue dress, while Prussia's was a pronounced Prussian blue dress.

"Germany, are you ready?" She smiled at her, and picked up the child as she donned her traveling cloak delicately over her bare shoulders.

"Yes, Prussia." She smiled slightly, eyes still blank.

They got into the carriage, and headed to the Conference of Europe, a ball to celebrate and to be with their own kind. Julchen held Monika in her arms, carrying her delicately as she held her head high.

She felt pretty, and truly felt it for the first time in her life.

As she walked into the conference, no nation recognized her at first.

She walked in proudly, and many nations gasped when they saw Germany in her arms, her precious little Monika.

They knew now she was powerful, but also, beautiful.

That was when Julchen realized- you didn't have to choose. You could be both mighty and pretty.

Prussia danced the simple steps her partner, a German Prince, could teach her.

She felt so beautiful right then, stars overhead, shining bright in her eyes, and in her heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment or leave kudos!! I love hearing feedback. Also, if you'd like to see a headcanon that you have in this universe, feel free to suggest it! This work is part of a series, called Virago!


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